Women Who Chose Abortions
When I was 17, I got pregnant and at that time I thought the best decision I could make was to have an abortion. And I went with two friends to an abortion clinic at about three months pregnancy. I had an abortion. It was a horrible situation. When I got to the clinic, I was getting prepared for the abortion. They tried to give me the anaesthesia but my veins kept collapsing. I asked the doctor if I could come back another day, because I was concerned and scared at that point. And he said, "No, because you won't come back." And with that comment the anaesthesia took effect.
When I woke up I knew... I felt the hollowness inside me ... that the life had been taken from me. I was close to 18 years old. I had just graduated from high school, it was the summer and that was just when it happened. I am thirty now. I feel horrible about it. I live with it everyday. I killed my child. It's something that I struggle with everyday.
Every time I look at my children. Every day I think about it. The effects of the abortion were immediate....even the impact it had on me. Even then...they put you out in the waiting room ... and they give you some juice and cookies. And I had Oreo cookies at that time. It's hard for me to even eat an Oreo cookie. That's what I think of... I think of the abortion. And that's 12 years ago.
Out of six close friends we had eight abortions between us. Everyone of us had one or more abortions. It was like that. It was like a pact. You know..."I have been through it... you can go through it." It was all a lie.
What I was thinking... and its ironic... I just recently found a Diary of mine and I was writing in there, "I have to do this. I have to go on with my life. Its my life. It's my decision. I will get over it."
But its not true. It's a pain that tears at you all of the time. And it effects all of your life. If I could stop the clock and go back to those people who wanted me to have the abortion, I would say to them, "It's the WRONG thing to do. It's effects are on my life and on my child's life are irreparable. It's just not the right thing to do. I won't do it. I won't let you make the decision for me." You never know where they are coming from in their lives and why they are giving you the advice to have the abortion, but I would not do it again.
Peer pressure...would you jump off a bridge if your friend asked you to!!! When we are judged by God for all that we do in our lives ... NO FRIEND...will be able to take our place in judgement before God.
So when we decide to steal, lie, or have an abortion we must realize that we will be judged for what we did in our lives. God forgives us our sins. He died on the Cross for all our sins. We can repent. We can ask God for forgiveness. He is all merciful. But why destroy the life of a child in the process. And why be judged for something that you could have avoided and that is the reason I am giving this interview....to help other women avoid doing what I did.
After the abortion...the things that did take place in my life were not pleasant. The relationship with the father of the baby I aborted was destroyed. The abortion tore the relationship apart. I have found that to be the case in all the women I know. The abortion never brings the relationship with the boyfriend closer together. I also found that I started to sleep around at that point. My self esteem..my guilt ...was weighing so heavily on me. I was trying to hurt myself. I was punishing myself. And that permeated every aspect of my life. I started using drugs a lot. It was like I was saying, "Who cares! Whatever happens to me now...happens."...without me even realizing it. It has taken all these years to realize...to see that. Some women that I have come in contact with, the depression is so severe that it will lead to suicide attempts..they will go out and get pregnant immediately again .. to get that feeling back. I work on a Pregnancy Hotline. I had one girl in particular I recently worked with called when she was four months pregnant. And then we never heard from her again... until a few months ago. She was calling to say that she had aborted the first baby and that she was pregnant again...and you cannot help but wonder what was really going on again ... in her life. It's my hope that BEFORE one goes through all that... they think about what they are going to do.
And every year when the date of the abortion comes around in my life ... I get a little weird...it's about January when the baby would have been born. I think how old the child would have been. All of those things past through my mind. It's in your soul now... it's part of who you are or what you are. Now I have two girls and I know its ridiculous, but I think it probably was my son that I aborted...and its hard to forgive yourself. You look at your own children and think they have a brother or sister in Heaven. I always think of my father. I didn't tell my parents right away. I relied on my friends advice. When I got myself pregnant again and I was not married 5 years later, I went to my parents and they BOTH wanted me to abort. They said, "Look at your life. You can't do this. What are you thinking!" My mother would not let me tell my grandparents that I was pregnant until I was six months pregnant, hoping that I would still get an abortion.
My father ended up towards the end of my pregnancy being a little involved...a little against his will. But when he saw the baby born, he ended up in the delivery room and all of a sudden everything changed. He had this little life in his hands and it was his and all of a sudden...well it's changed him ever since. Both of my parents, they tell me "Watch out for her...take good care of her." They wanted me to kill her and now she is one of the most important things in their lives.
And that's what I find on the Hotline... and with all the girls that we meet. There are all these strange family situations...these relationships that get involved in the pregnancy. Well, that comes to pass, but what you can't fix is the fact that the baby is dead. That is what you want to avoid ... that irreparable damage...that big mistake of killing the baby.
One of the ways that one can think about that is that if they really can't see themselves keeping the baby, they could think about adoption. It's a way of letting the baby live and keeping God's Commandment. And you can always change your mind before giving up the baby. But at least the baby would be alive. But if you abort the baby and later on hear your parents in a conversation... and begin to think "Oh My God, they might have understood after all!" That is hard to have to live with and it's because it's God's Commandments that we are breaking. And we have to trust that God will be there for us.. He would have helped us through the Holy Spirit and work through friends and relatives. I know of one girl who went to the clinic and was counseled on the sidewalk not to abort. She chose to give birth. And she gave the baby up for adoption. She gets photos of the baby whenever she wants from the adoptive parents. And she is about to be married. She is going on with her life without ever having to compromise and know that she did not break God's law.
I'm 20 years old and I'm five months pregnant and I'm due in August. Last year I was dating someone for a while and I got pregnant. I wanted the baby and so did he but it just didn't come through with my parents. But he was not ready for marriage. I got so much pressure from my parents that I felt weak. I was 19 years old. They told me, "How are you going to take care of this kid? This guy is not going to marry you!" They made an appointment for me at the abortion clinic. I wasn't going to have an abortion but they brainwashed me. I felt so weak. The baby's father was not coming around so much. I felt like I did not have any other choice but to have an abortion. My parents took me to the abortion clinic. It was weird because it was like they were supporting me to do something wrong. They even paid for it. It was like they were mad at me. They didn't want to speak to me but after I had the abortion they were proud of me for having the abortion. They went back to the way before they were when I was pregnant. I was like their precious daughter again. I didn't feel good physically because I felt empty. I'm five months pregnant now and when I remember how I felt after that abortion, all I can say is I felt like something in my body was missing. And I think that was the worst part.
I am having my baby now because I can't go through that again. Not ever again. I don't care how many kids I have. About a week after I had the abortion my parents and I went to a restaurant, and there was a women in the restaurant with a newborn baby about one month old. And I couldn't help it, I just started crying and when I looked at my mother ... well... I couldn't stand looking at her. She saw me cry and go to the bathroom. But we never talked about it again.
After I had the abortion, I started sleeping around and I found out I was pregnant again. I thought I was being careful but I wasn't careful enough. When I found out when I was pregnant, I was so frustrated. I was seeing someone who was not the baby's father. My new boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion. My new boyfriend did not want to hold my hand because he thought that people would think I was pregnant with his baby. But I stayed strong. And thank God I found Several Sources and I'm going to have my baby in four months. I wished I could have turned back time. I would have had that other baby. He would have been one month old now. I just turned twenty. I advise that anyone who is pregnant to really think about what you are going to do. You think, if I have an abortion, things will get back to normal. I thought maybe the baby's father would come around. And actually the baby's father and I ended up breaking up because of the abortion. We have not spoken to each other. I thought well maybe I could go out, go to school. I could be able to hang out. If I had a baby I couldn't go clubbing. I couldn't smoke. I couldn't drink. At that time I was thinking I was making the right decision. But now I really regret it. Hanging out and going out is not .. that's not a good reason to have an abortion. My parents are not very reasonable. They are very closed minded. If I could turn back the hand of time, I would ask WHY ... WHY did they push me to do it? Because if they would not have pushed so hard I would not be feeling the emptiness that I am feeling now.
On September 7, 1996, I was 11 weeks pregnant. I had 3 other children and financially was devastated. I made the decision to have an abortion. I went down to the clinic. Once I was in this awfully cold place with many other woman, men and children, I was told to give a sample of urine. The pamphlet advertising the clinic said "We Care", so I was still waiting for a caring person to take care of me. Next I was invited into a back office for my supposed counseling. She asked me how many children I have and because I was extremely nervous she told me that the doctor had an assistant that was willing to hold me during the procedure.
I was still waiting for my chance to ask questions when she took me into a very small room and told me to remove my underwear. In came the doctor who was a very cold man to examine me. I asked him if the baby would feel anything. He was rather angry that I called it a baby and told me that the baby would die as soon as I recieved the anesthesia. I was then given a local anesthesia. When I awoke he showed me the contents of my uterus (my baby). I will never forget that he had it all it a big bottle. He then walked over to the bathroom and flushed the contents down the toilet.
I thought that by having an abortion my problems would be solved as, at least, I would be able to get a job not showing that I was pregnant. Little did I know how wrong I was. I grieved and am still grieving ever since. I have suffered major depression and have contemplated suicide various times. I wish I never had an abortion. I have constant nightmares about a baby crying. This was worst choice of my life and a very bad decision indeed.
You can e-mail Ursula at PMinnie@aol.com
So if you find that people are pushing you to have an abortion, you have to rely on people who want to help you. Maybe from your parish, maybe one friend, one relative, someone who you know will help you. Someone from this www.lifecall.org website. God will send you someone to help you.
Then when you are holding your baby ... then all the negatives will disappear. And all the people who wanted you to have the abortion can't remember what they said. They will want to go to the Christening, they will want to buy the baby outfits. They will want to be the God Parents. Trust us, we know. It has happened to us.
If you haven't had an abortion, we have been through it and we can tell you what its like. If only someone would have honestly told us what lies ahead. It's just a small period of time that first few months when you might be considering an abortion. You have so much to think about.
We like to think that if I had heard something like this we would have not had the abortion. Family relationships will change. And a lot of things will change but you can't bring back your baby. And if you want to believe anything we have told you...believe this....an abortion will stick with you for the rest of your life. Women that are reading this, if you have ever had an abortion, know that you can pray for your baby and love your baby and know that someday you will see your baby in Heaven. Talk to your baby and let your baby know that you did something wrong and stupid and that you are sorry and that God forgives you and Jesus forgives you. If you had known what you know now, you never would have had that abortion. And always remember:
"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His mercy endures forever." Psalm 106:1